Cloud Life

Ever lived amongst the clouds? No? You should try it. It's comfy and relaxing...

I was doing some thinking the other day about heartache and heartbreak and I've come to some conclusions that may or may not make sense. I've mentioned previously about an experience I had a year and a half ago. A relationship I was in came to an end and I had all I could do to make it from day to day. As far as I could see, life was basically over and I had never felt such an incredible sorrow in my entire life.

Between now and then, I've been on an emotional journey of self-discovery to which I had no clarity. I couldn't understand how this elusive concept of love was ever going to be fruitful for me again. It seemed a near impossibility. I never trusted men, I never believed anything they said and I never considered myself worthy. In 'real life', I still don't.

On the way to camp last weekend my Poppy asked me if I was still in touch with my ex and I told him yes, that we speak everyday. My grandparents were always supportive and understanding of the situation so I was quite taken aback when my grandfather (poppy) made a comment about my ex being the lowest of the low for what he did to me and how he allowed the situation to progress. I thought this to be rather hypocritical of my grandfather because he too, cheated on his wife - ended up leaving her and his children behind in another Province. As a result he has a lousy relationship with both of his sons and my mother was put in the middle. When, due to financial reasons, she decided to move our family to New Brunswick to live with my Poppy and get my father a job - she was disowned by her own mother and hasn't spoken to her in over 20 years. At least my ex had the gusto to stop the relationship before it ruined his family.

The reason I shared that particular incident is because it led me to some pondering. Why is it I still defend my ex? Why can't I let go? Why don't I hate him? He, single-handily caused me more pain that I have ever known in my entire life combined, yet he remains one of my best friends. Why?

My Answer? He made the right choice. For both of us. He never used me, abused me, hurt my feelings, insulted me or betrayed me. Some will argue that the entire relationship was the biggest betrayal of them all but to me - he made the right decision. He knew, in his heart of hearts that he couldn't be the man I needed him to be, regardless of how much we both wanted it. And he let me go. I was at my breaking point and basically had to beg him to release me but he did and as much as it hurt - it taught me a lot.

It's okay to love, it's okay to hurt, it's okay to let go. A relationship ending doesn't have to be a bad thing. When I think of he and I - I remember the good times and mostly only the good times. Because of that, I had a really hard difficult time moving on and finding someone else. I never thought that I would ever love again the way that I loved him. I thought it would be an impossibility to give myself to someone in the same way. I don't anymore.

Not saying I have given myself to anyone but I'm starting to realize there is "life after love" ... Things were good with him but I'm not sure they were ever real. It felt real, I think if his home life had been different, it would have been real but they weren't and it wasn't. Don't get me wrong, the love I felt or we shared was true - just the realities of ever being together were broken wishes. Sometimes love just ain't enough...

And I'm okay with that.

Because...

Sometimes it is. :) You just got to keep trying, searching and hoping.


I'm trying, I'm searching and I've got some hope right now ...

Wish Me Luck!

Shan - Out!